Can I be honest? I have been running on empty the whole month of January and I owe everyone a sincere apology for not reaching out for help. The devil kept telling me they won’t understand, they won’t help you because it’s not their problem. I tried to ignore him but the lies were louder than the truth and I wept for help but no one could hear me! So I secluded myself! I found myself in a deep depression and the anxiety had over taken me and now this is how I explain it.
On January the 4th we had to say goodbye it’s been 37 days since I have seen her and kissed her little face it’s been 37 days since I have held her little hand….37 LONG days she has been gone and each day doesn’t get easier, some days I don’t want to crawl out of bed because I know she isn’t here to sing “Good Morning to you, the birds are chirping” she sang that to me and Jaiden every morning and now I can’t hear her sing to me. I have been shattered and I did not know if my heart was ever going to beat again. I have felt guilty to even comparing the feelings we were going through to death because she is still living but gone from us! I had to rip her from my arms and hand her over to a future I was uncertain about. I had been the only stable “mommy” she had ever known. Oh course I know she had a mother who gave birth to her but she left and I was forced to be a mommy to her. My heart hurts, my children’s hearts hurt and no one can take away the pain. The pain became so unbearable…my heart couldn’t fathom WHY would God allow this to happen. The pain turned into complete anger and I was mad at God, I blamed Him and as my heart became bitter I drifted away from the only one who could heal this broken heart of mine. I can’t explain the hurt but I can tell you this much at least with death you know it’s finished until you can see your loved one again in Heaven but this was torture because I know she is out there I know where she is at but I can’t go and see her, I can’t hear her they won’t let me. I wake up to nightmares of her screaming for me! She begged me not to leave her but I had no choice. This is torment and I needed someone, anyone but I refused to talk about it because if I talked about it, the pain became real and I didn’t want it to be real. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and be happy again! I am not an unhappy person. I am always the person who sees the cup half full. I am always there to uplift everyone else but in my moment of need all I could do was crawl into a hole and cry. I needed my family and friends but they didn’t have a clue how much I needed them because I couldn’t tell them. I have cried so much I honest thought I would run out of tears.
As hurt as I was I found myself at church standing in front of the pastor crying more tears praying and praising God through the hardest time in my life. I shouldn’t have been anger at Him but He is a understanding God. He knows I just needed answers and He made a way for me to get in front the right people to pray with me and for me and my family. I know I have to stop and trust! Trust and lean not onto my own understanding. He has a plan that is greater than what I could even imagine and I have to trust. Am I still heartbroken? Of course I am but My God is close to me and He is my hiding place. When the world gets to loud I worship Him with everything I have in me. The story isn’t over and I know this. He will never leave things in confusion and I know that He will turn these ashes into something BEAUTIFUL and I Know I will laugh again and I know I will see her again I know that He is watching out for her and He will keep her safe. She belongs to Him and He will give her a great life!
I have felt like my life has come off the hinges and I am so sorry to everyone if I have been very distant but now you know why. I felt like I needed to let everyone know what’s been going on because I would never be this way intentionally and I hope you can understand and I will assure you, God has this and I know that. HE promised to never leave and forsake me, even if sometimes I have been so angry at Him that I walked away but He won’t ever let me get far without drawing me back into His Presence and I am so thankful for that.
I love you all and please keep us in your prayers! And most of all keep our sweet girl in your prayers!
Jina
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